Sunday, December 4, 2011
I've Lost Myself
I'm so lost without her. I don't know what to do. I'm not myself. I don't give a shit abouty kids or my husband. My house can burn for all I care. I want to load up my car and run away. Maybe some of it is from not having a job. Perhaps I'll be me again when I get one. But I'm not sure. I don't think I know how to be happy anymore. Maybe I'm depressed. I've always looked at depression as not caring about yourself. But I'm feeling selfish. I want to care only about myself. I love my kids, I really do, with all of my heart. But I'm not sure I'm good for them. I think they'd be better off with me as a part time mom. My husband certainly deserves to have someone better than me. I'm taking them all down with me. What's more selfish? Staying here and being unhappy or leaving and tearing my family apart? I'm sure I should stay but I don't know if I can. It's so much more than just him and the kids. His whole family has welcomed me in as one of them. I'd be letting so many people down. But I only get one life. I'm so fucked up right now.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
How Do I Put This Into Words? A Letter to the Best Friend a Person Could Ask For
S,
I don't know how to cope with this. I don't know how to say goodbye. That first day in 7th grade that you invited me to be a part of your group - that sealed our fate. You were clearly meant to be a part of my life, and I yours.
I remember talking on the phone every night - my mom used to say she would need to get the phone surgically removed from my ear - after we had just spent the entire day together in school. We seemed to always have more to talk about. We used to talk every Thursday when Knot's Landing was on.....we'd talk through all the commercials then sit in silence while we watched the show. As an adult that doesn't even make sense to me but we did it. Every week. We had our stupid petty pre-teen girl fights where we wouldn't talk for awhile but they always blew over and I couldn't tell you what a single one of those fights were about. We had so many LONG conversations about nothing. Remember the one about the sighing sound you make after a good laugh? Every time one of us stopped laughing and made that sound we started again. Our cheeks and our bellies hurt so bad from laughing for hours on end - I don't think I've ever laughed like that again. We had entire conversations with no words - talking with our mouths full of spaghetti....but understood each other perfectly.
When we snuck out of my house to walk to see D in the middle of the night. Why? No idea but it was fun till I got caught on the fence we tried to jump and ruined my shirt. You laughed so hard and I was so mad. Probably more embarrassed than anything but looking back at that we've laughed about it many times. So many more stories, so many more good times and memories. I will cherish them forever.
Then you got a license and a car....oh the fun we had. You were such a crazy stalker ... and I was such an enabler :) The trouble we caused.....oh man - best times of my life. It's a miracle we never got arrested or hurt.
Then somehow we lost touch - I'm sure that had to do with my fucked up life at the time. But when we talked again it was like we never stopped. It wasn't that long that we didn't talk - maybe a year or two. But that first day we talked on the phone for 4 hours. I had to get call waiting because of you.
Remember when we both ended our long term relationships? To cheer ourselves up we decided to go to a movie. We drove to the theater without even knowing what was playing. There was a choice between two movies. I don't remember the second choice but we chose Leaving Las Vegas cause we figured a movie in Vegas would have to be fun, right? HA!!! That movie turned us both into water fountains. You cried for HOURS.....and I have never, ever seen that movie again. And I never will.
George Webb's in the middle of the night before we were legal to drink....bars when we were. You have been my constant friend. And I couldn't have asked for a better one.
Then you decided to get married and move 1500 miles away. That SUCKED!!! For both of us. But we still talked every day. You got pregnant (I'll never forget that phone call), you ended up having too many problems for a marriage to surive and got divorced. We talked less often when you had a baby to take care of but we were still there for each other.
Fast forward a few years...my kids, my marriage...both of us going through a lot to get there. And now this. I stopped this post before it was done. And I went to you. And now it all seems so pointless. I'm lost. I had to say good te forever to the only person that ever really got me. And now I'm so confused. I need to try to be happy. I think I know how to do that but it won't be easy. And maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I just fucked everything up. Maybe I need to get my head out of my ass. What I really need is to talk to you. I love you forever my friend. That will never change.
I don't know how to cope with this. I don't know how to say goodbye. That first day in 7th grade that you invited me to be a part of your group - that sealed our fate. You were clearly meant to be a part of my life, and I yours.
I remember talking on the phone every night - my mom used to say she would need to get the phone surgically removed from my ear - after we had just spent the entire day together in school. We seemed to always have more to talk about. We used to talk every Thursday when Knot's Landing was on.....we'd talk through all the commercials then sit in silence while we watched the show. As an adult that doesn't even make sense to me but we did it. Every week. We had our stupid petty pre-teen girl fights where we wouldn't talk for awhile but they always blew over and I couldn't tell you what a single one of those fights were about. We had so many LONG conversations about nothing. Remember the one about the sighing sound you make after a good laugh? Every time one of us stopped laughing and made that sound we started again. Our cheeks and our bellies hurt so bad from laughing for hours on end - I don't think I've ever laughed like that again. We had entire conversations with no words - talking with our mouths full of spaghetti....but understood each other perfectly.
When we snuck out of my house to walk to see D in the middle of the night. Why? No idea but it was fun till I got caught on the fence we tried to jump and ruined my shirt. You laughed so hard and I was so mad. Probably more embarrassed than anything but looking back at that we've laughed about it many times. So many more stories, so many more good times and memories. I will cherish them forever.
Then you got a license and a car....oh the fun we had. You were such a crazy stalker ... and I was such an enabler :) The trouble we caused.....oh man - best times of my life. It's a miracle we never got arrested or hurt.
Then somehow we lost touch - I'm sure that had to do with my fucked up life at the time. But when we talked again it was like we never stopped. It wasn't that long that we didn't talk - maybe a year or two. But that first day we talked on the phone for 4 hours. I had to get call waiting because of you.
Remember when we both ended our long term relationships? To cheer ourselves up we decided to go to a movie. We drove to the theater without even knowing what was playing. There was a choice between two movies. I don't remember the second choice but we chose Leaving Las Vegas cause we figured a movie in Vegas would have to be fun, right? HA!!! That movie turned us both into water fountains. You cried for HOURS.....and I have never, ever seen that movie again. And I never will.
George Webb's in the middle of the night before we were legal to drink....bars when we were. You have been my constant friend. And I couldn't have asked for a better one.
Then you decided to get married and move 1500 miles away. That SUCKED!!! For both of us. But we still talked every day. You got pregnant (I'll never forget that phone call), you ended up having too many problems for a marriage to surive and got divorced. We talked less often when you had a baby to take care of but we were still there for each other.
Fast forward a few years...my kids, my marriage...both of us going through a lot to get there. And now this. I stopped this post before it was done. And I went to you. And now it all seems so pointless. I'm lost. I had to say good te forever to the only person that ever really got me. And now I'm so confused. I need to try to be happy. I think I know how to do that but it won't be easy. And maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I just fucked everything up. Maybe I need to get my head out of my ass. What I really need is to talk to you. I love you forever my friend. That will never change.
And it's over
I'm so glad I got to go see her. It was so fast and now she's gone. I miss her so much it's a physical pain. I got to tell her I love her and she got to tell me. I got to hang out with her daughter and her family and hope I was some kind of comfort to them. Now I'm supposed to go on. I don't know how.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Wow
Well that was quick. She was diagnosed with cancer on Oct 14. On Friday, 11/11/11, she was told it was Stage IV. Today, her mom called me and said I needed to come now. My heart is breaking. I don't know what to do. I have to see her. I will be going. I just need to see who can watch my kids. Oh God why? Of all the people in the world, do you need to take her? I don't know how to function without her.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
No Chemo Yet
So they couldn't start the chemo....apparently her blood levels are way off and they have admitted her to the hospital to find the source of the infection. The longer the chemo is delayed the more the cancer spreads. It's already everywhere. I need to get down there to see her. Now. Unfortunately, I have my own kids to take care of and can't just up and run like I'd like to do.
I don't know what I'm going to do without her.
I don't know what I'm going to do without her.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Grief....what's right?
So she lives 1500 miles away and I don't get to see her as often as I'd like. But we talk nearly every day. At least we did prior to diagnosis. Now we don't talk. I call her and she doesn't answer. I get it.....her focus needs to be 100% on herself. She has a 9 year old daughter she needs to take care of and see through this. But I miss her so much. It's like I'm getting a taste of what's to come. And it's awful.
The day we found out it's Stage IV (Friday)....her ex boyfriend called me. She will always be the one that got away to him. He has always raised her on a pedastal. They were young and foolish and didn't work out but there has always been love there on both sides. That has never been doubted by anyone.
So talking to him really brought the truth home for me. I was comfortable in my own head. Not talking about it - not saying out loud the things in my head. Then I had to say it all out loud and it was scary. Now he's calling me....another one of our friends is also calling me. They are both grieving too. They are coming to me for comfort I think, but also to be supportive of me because they know how close we are. But I'm not ready for that yet.
I feel incredibly selfish right now. I don't want her to shut me out. But the others that want to be around me I want to shut out. My grief stays inside me - I don't like to show vulnerability. I'm sure a lot of that has to do with my childhood and awful teenage years. But maybe I need to change. Maybe it would be healthier if I let others in and let the grief out. I don't think I can grieve yet though - she's still here and until she's not I cannot give up hope. I just can't. So I can't talk to others who feel the way I do about her. Because they want to talk about the things I just can't face. Does that make me weak?
She is the one constant in my life for the last 25 years. I couldn't love her more if she was actually my sister. I don't have siblings...so my friends have become that for me. I'm scared, I'm angry, I'm so very sad....I plan to get into a lot more on here. Maybe I can figure out why I am the way I am by actually taking a deep look into the events that have shaped me. But right now, the only thing I care about is her. At the cost of my children and my husband ..... I'm trying for them to pretend I'm ok but I know I'm failing miserably. I've turned into a bitch and that just makes me feel more selfish. What the fuck am I going to do if she dies?????????
The day we found out it's Stage IV (Friday)....her ex boyfriend called me. She will always be the one that got away to him. He has always raised her on a pedastal. They were young and foolish and didn't work out but there has always been love there on both sides. That has never been doubted by anyone.
So talking to him really brought the truth home for me. I was comfortable in my own head. Not talking about it - not saying out loud the things in my head. Then I had to say it all out loud and it was scary. Now he's calling me....another one of our friends is also calling me. They are both grieving too. They are coming to me for comfort I think, but also to be supportive of me because they know how close we are. But I'm not ready for that yet.
I feel incredibly selfish right now. I don't want her to shut me out. But the others that want to be around me I want to shut out. My grief stays inside me - I don't like to show vulnerability. I'm sure a lot of that has to do with my childhood and awful teenage years. But maybe I need to change. Maybe it would be healthier if I let others in and let the grief out. I don't think I can grieve yet though - she's still here and until she's not I cannot give up hope. I just can't. So I can't talk to others who feel the way I do about her. Because they want to talk about the things I just can't face. Does that make me weak?
She is the one constant in my life for the last 25 years. I couldn't love her more if she was actually my sister. I don't have siblings...so my friends have become that for me. I'm scared, I'm angry, I'm so very sad....I plan to get into a lot more on here. Maybe I can figure out why I am the way I am by actually taking a deep look into the events that have shaped me. But right now, the only thing I care about is her. At the cost of my children and my husband ..... I'm trying for them to pretend I'm ok but I know I'm failing miserably. I've turned into a bitch and that just makes me feel more selfish. What the fuck am I going to do if she dies?????????
My Best Friend Has Cancer
I found out on the day of my wedding reception. Somehow I managed to hold it together for everyone else and actually have a good time. Then after everyone left, I lost it. But we still didn't know what kind of cancer it was or what the prognosis was. We could assume it wasn't going to be good because, well it IS cancer, and it was already in 11 spots. Yesterday I found out it is stage IV, very aggressive, and the prognosis is "not good". Looking up adenoma carcinoma does nothing for me. I'm living in a constant state of denial because I have 2 young kids of my own to look after and a husband who needs me. Then I spoke to her ex boyfriend last night. And I had to tell him all of the things I had read but not allowed to sink in. My friend, Denial. It's bad bad bad. I refuse to give up hope but now I have to plan a trip to see her, and to say goodbye. It's not fair, it's not right.
We met 25 years ago. It was the first day of 7th grade and I was the only person in the class that was not at that school for 6th grade. I didn't know a soul. The teacher asked us to split into groups of 4 or 5 and I sat there frozen. All these kids knew each other, who was going to take mercy on the new girl? And then SHE did. She asked me to join her group and that was that. We connected in a way I didn't know was possible. Over the years we've been the kind of friends most people wish they had. She will never, ever judge me. She knows all of my dirt and loves me anyway. She will always, ALWAYS be honest with me. If I get into an argument with my husband or I get upset about something she is my sounding board. She will tell me if I'm the one being the asshole and I have to listen. Because she's always right. I don't know how to live without this girl. We've had plans to grow old together and the thought of growing old without her makes me want to vomit.
I'm still wavering between Denial and Anger right now. I want to stay in Denial as long as possible because I'm not sure I can function when I move past that. But she is in pain, she deserves so much more....she is a pure soul, always looking for the good in everyone and finding it too....I love you, girl. I know you know that but I don't think you have any idea of the depths of that love. You are my sister, my confidant, my soul mate. You know that though.....I'm coming to see you...and I am praying it will not be the last time. There's always hope, right?
We met 25 years ago. It was the first day of 7th grade and I was the only person in the class that was not at that school for 6th grade. I didn't know a soul. The teacher asked us to split into groups of 4 or 5 and I sat there frozen. All these kids knew each other, who was going to take mercy on the new girl? And then SHE did. She asked me to join her group and that was that. We connected in a way I didn't know was possible. Over the years we've been the kind of friends most people wish they had. She will never, ever judge me. She knows all of my dirt and loves me anyway. She will always, ALWAYS be honest with me. If I get into an argument with my husband or I get upset about something she is my sounding board. She will tell me if I'm the one being the asshole and I have to listen. Because she's always right. I don't know how to live without this girl. We've had plans to grow old together and the thought of growing old without her makes me want to vomit.
I'm still wavering between Denial and Anger right now. I want to stay in Denial as long as possible because I'm not sure I can function when I move past that. But she is in pain, she deserves so much more....she is a pure soul, always looking for the good in everyone and finding it too....I love you, girl. I know you know that but I don't think you have any idea of the depths of that love. You are my sister, my confidant, my soul mate. You know that though.....I'm coming to see you...and I am praying it will not be the last time. There's always hope, right?
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