I've Lost Myself

I'm so lost without her. I don't know what to do. I'm not myself. I don't give a shit abouty kids or my husband. My house can burn for all I care. I want to load up my car and run away. Maybe some of it is from not having a job. Perhaps I'll be me again when I get one. But I'm not sure. I don't think I know how to be happy anymore. Maybe I'm depressed. I've always looked at depression as not caring about yourself. But I'm feeling selfish. I want to care only about myself. I love my kids, I really do, with all of my heart. But I'm not sure I'm good for them. I think they'd be better off with me as a part time mom. My husband certainly deserves to have someone better than me. I'm taking them all down with me. What's more selfish? Staying here and being unhappy or leaving and tearing my family apart? I'm sure I should stay but I don't know if I can. It's so much more than just him and the kids. His whole family has welcomed me in as one of them. I'd be letting so many people down. But I only get one life. I'm so fucked up right now.