Grief....what's right?

So she lives 1500 miles away and I don't get to see her as often as I'd like. But we talk nearly every day. At least we did prior to diagnosis. Now we don't talk. I call her and she doesn't answer. I get it.....her focus needs to be 100% on herself. She has a 9 year old daughter she needs to take care of and see through this. But I miss her so much. It's like I'm getting a taste of what's to come. And it's awful.

The day we found out it's Stage IV (Friday)....her ex boyfriend called me. She will always be the one that got away to him. He has always raised her on a pedastal. They were young and foolish and didn't work out but there has always been love there on both sides. That has never been doubted by anyone.

So talking to him really brought the truth home for me. I was comfortable in my own head. Not talking about it - not saying out loud the things in my head. Then I had to say it all out loud and it was scary. Now he's calling me....another one of our friends is also calling me. They are both grieving too. They are coming to me for comfort I think, but also to be supportive of me because they know how close we are. But I'm not ready for that yet.

I feel incredibly selfish right now. I don't want her to shut me out. But the others that want to be around me I want to shut out. My grief stays inside me - I don't like to show vulnerability. I'm sure a lot of that has to do with my childhood and awful teenage years. But maybe I need to change. Maybe it would be healthier if I let others in and let the grief out. I don't think I can grieve yet though - she's still here and until she's not I cannot give up hope. I just can't. So I can't talk to others who feel the way I do about her. Because they want to talk about the things I just can't face. Does that make me weak?

She is the one constant in my life for the last 25 years. I couldn't love her more if she was actually my sister. I don't have siblings...so my friends have become that for me. I'm scared, I'm angry, I'm so very sad....I plan to get into a lot more on here. Maybe I can figure out why I am the way I am by actually taking a deep look into the events that have shaped me. But right now, the only thing  I care about is her. At the cost of my children and my husband ..... I'm trying for them to pretend I'm ok but I know I'm failing miserably. I've turned into a bitch and that just makes me feel more selfish. What the fuck am I going to do if she dies?????????